Marvelous Monday: Dave Barry

"You look just darling," my old aunt said, pinching my cheeks and almost popping them off. My floral dress reaches just above my ankles, my tights are itchier than our lawn that daddy hasn't cut in weeks, and the ribbon in my hair is pulling my head too tight. I have to keep my hands over my ears just to make sure my brain doesn't smush out. I don't know what "darling" even means, but I don't like it.

Mommy said I better be good tonight or else I have to go to bed right when we get home, no bed time story or anything. I asked her if that meant I wouldn't have to brush my teeth, and she gave me a look, the same one she gives me when she knows I've spoiled my dinner by eating one too many cookies.

It's all just so boring. I can't even go outside because there's the biggest, most scariest storm I've ever seen. Mommy said it's raining cats and dogs, but I don't see any anywhere. It's more like lots and lots of water and branches and stuff. Daddy said we'd have to swim home, but I sure hope not. I don't want to get my new shoes all soggy and gross like when I forgot to take them off last week before jumping into Grandma's pool. Mommy wasn't just making her cookie face then. She was making one like a million times scarier than the storm outside. I thought for sure her eyes were going to pop out and splatter me in the face.

I'm glad that didn't happen though because Mommy's the one who helps me wash my face, and I don't think she'd be very much help if it were her eye goo she had to clean up.